Christmas holidays are great fun. What I like best is when our family sits around and tells stories. My stories about floor covering were successful in putting the entire family into a coma. But the First Lady’s stories about teaching were interesting. She told one story about a teacher friend’s earlier days in the classroom when she taught first grade. She had trouble with one of her more precocious students (for those members from Topton, precocious means “a child having developed certain abilities at an early age”) who constantly disrupted class with questions and comments. She asked little Sheldon, “What exactly is your problem?” Sheldon answered, “I’m too smart for first grade. My sister is in third grade and I’m smarter than she is. I think I should be in third grade.” Finally, the teacher had enough. She marched Sheldon to the principal’s office and had him wait in the lobby while she spoke to the principal. She explained the situation, and the principal told her that he would give the boy a test. If he passed, he would move up to third grade. If he failed, he would stay in first grade. She brought Sheldon into the principal who asked the following questions: What is 3 x 3? Sheldon answered 9. What is 6 x 6? Sheldon answered 36. And so it went with every question the principal asked. The principal looked at the teacher and said, “He may move up to third grade.” The teacher asked if she might ask Sheldon 5 questions, and both the principal and Sheldon agreed. The teacher asked, “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?” Sheldon replied, “Legs.” She then asked, “What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?” Sheldon said, “Pockets.” The principal sighed with great relief. The teacher then asked, “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Sheldon answered, “Pants.” The teacher next queried, “what does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog on 3 legs?” Sheldon said, “Shake hands.” Finally, the teacher said, “What word starts with ‘F,’ ends with “K,” and indicates a lot of fun and excitement?” “Firetruck,” stated Sheldon. The very relieved principal looked at the teacher and said, “Put that little bugger in 5th grade. I got the last 3 questions wrong myself.”
At the beautiful Columbian Home, we don’t ask about legs, pants, or firetrucks. We only ask, “Are you a member?” because only members and their guests are permitted to dine and drink at the beautiful Columbian Home. So, if you know of anyone who would enjoy our wonderful place, grab them an application at the bar.
The Big Game (aka S*perbowl) is only a few days away, so I thought I would share this ad that I saw online: “Hey guys, a good friend of mine has 2 tickets to the Big Game – box seats plus airfare, hotel, etc. But he didn’t realize when he bought them that it was the same day as his wedding, so he can’t go. If you are interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St. Agnes Church in Philadelphia at 5:00PM. Her name is Louise, and she’s 5;4”, weighs 125 pounds, is a good cook, earns $130,000 a year. She’ll be the one wearing the white dress.”
If you’re not interested in the above offer, you will be interested in these offers. On Thursday, February 5, DJ Wolfman Hal will take you down Memory Lane with a Dance Party designed to make you twist the night away. On Saturday, February 14, bring your sweetheart to the beautiful Columbian Home so you can wine and dine her to the music of DMC Duo. Make your reservations! We have Music on the Porch every Friday this month, featuring Gene Cullison, Rob Ballanoff, Cassandra Rose, and Johnny K.
Wednesday, February 18 is our world-famous Trivia Night with our world-famous host, Hal the Magnificent. He will be asking questions like, “What did the very first 1903 Harley Davidson motorcycle use as a carburetor?” (The answer is a tomato can.) “What color would Coca-Cola be if food coloring wasn’t added?” (Green.) If you know the answers to these questions, you should probably go outside and play with the other kids.
Now, a short reading from the Bible. From Genesis “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.” Then he made the world round and laughed and laughed and laughed. I just love God.
Stay warm and safe.
As always, you are in my prayers.
All the best,
Joe
Joe Mascari, President