I like writing the President’s Letter every month. I also have written a few children’s books…not on purpose. Writing is very stressful for me. I might look like a casual, laid-back guy, but in my head there is a constant circus going on. The reason for that is I’m addicted to placebos (look it up, Northampton). Please, don’t worry about me; I’m now in treatment at the beautiful Columbian Home with my therapists Dr. Jameson and Dr. Johnny Walker. My prognosis is very good, and a complete recovery is expected. If your life ever feels like a circus you’d like to escape, come and join me and my therapists for a session at the beautiful Columbian Home. And remember that alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither will milk.
A friend of mine suggested that I take a cruise to relax, but another friend said that the cruise that he took was anything but relaxing. His ship sank and he ended up on a deserted island. When he awoke, a gorgeous woman was staring at him. My friend said to her, “Thank God I’m back in civilization.”
She said, “No, no! You’re not. I’ve been abandoned on this island for three years and it gets very lonely here.”
My friend was amazed at this woman’s beauty and by how stunningly she was dressed. He said, “Your clothing is gorgeous. Where did you find such an amazing wardrobe?”
She replied, “I love to sew, and cotton grows wild here. I harvest it and weave the thread into fabric. Then I make my clothing.” She then said, “Why don’t we go up to my house so we can get to know one another better?”
“You have a house here?”
“There are plenty of trees. My father was in construction and taught me a lot about building, so I built my own house.”
They proceeded to the house, and it was exquisite. She asked, “Would you like a drink?”
“You mean like coconut juice?”
“No, rum. I’ve been growing sugar cane and making my own rum. Have a glass.” The two commenced to drink one glass of rum after another. Finally, she said, “Hey, Big Boy, I’ve been here on this island for a long time. Would you like to play around?”
His eyes widened, his mouth fell open, and he shouted, “YOU BUILT A GOLF COURSE?!”
I know that golf can be really exciting, so I want to give you the opportunity to show everyone (besides your dog) your fabulous golfing skills. The beautiful Columbian Home Golf Tournament needs your exceptional talent and money. See Erma Dantonio or inquire at the bar about signing up for our fabulous August 8th event at White Tail Golf Club. There will be food, beverages, loads of great prizes and, of course, golf!
Last night while I was lying awake trying to round off infinity, I realized that the “Amazing Hal” will be back with Trivia Night on August 19 from 7:00-10:00 PM. Come to the beautiful Columbian Home and try to stump Hal (which is pretty easy to do). Last month, I found out that Hal didn’t know that mageirocophobia was the fear of cooking. (Catasauqua, don’t even try to pronounce it.) Put your thinking cap on and forget that you had to repeat 7th grade so many times the principal thought you were a parent. You’ll have fun, I promise.
I hope this last full month of summer finds you in good health and spirits. As always, I keep you in my prayers.
All the best,
Joe
Joe Mascari, President