The decorations are down, and the holiday season is behind us. I hope all our members are doing well. I caught the seasonal cold/flu/virus/plaque/I can’t remember what, but it wasn’t pleasant. When I’m sick and forced to stay home, I’m bored and forced to think of different things. For example, why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to pick up their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front? Why is it that doctors call what they do a “practice”? Why is “abbreviated” such a long word? Why is the man who invests my money called a “broker”? The First Lady told me she doesn’t want to walk a mile in my shoes because it would be so boring, but thirty seconds in my head would freak anybody out. I’m feeling better, but since the doldrums (for those of you from Catasauqua, doldrums are periods of inactivity, stagnation, or depression) of winter are upon us, I decided to go to the beautiful Columbian Home for a pick-me-up cocktail at 3:00 PM. Last week I went to the Anchor Bar and our large screen television had a popular soap opera playing. The story line was about a man who returns early from a business trip, and he gets a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While heading home, he asks the taxi driver if he will be a witness for him. The man explains that he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he intends to catch her in the act. For $100, the taxi driver agrees to go with him. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and driver tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man. The husband pulls out a gun and points it at the man’s head. The wife shouts, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the BMW I gave you for Christmas. He paid for our yacht in the harbor. He paid for our cabin in the mountains. He paid for our country club membership (Note: A Columbian Home membership is much cheaper) and continues to pay our monthly dues. (No monthly dues at the Columbian Home.) Shaking his head from side to side, the husband slowly lowers the gun, looks over at the taxi driver, and asks, “What would you do?” The taxi driver said, “Well, first I’d put that blanket back over him before he catches his death of cold.” In life, we all have difficult choices to make. So, if you’re planning a birthday, graduation, anniversary party, wedding, or other special event, think of the beautiful Columbian Home. Our rental prices are extremely reasonable, and the food and beverage prices and quality are exceptional. Parking is plentiful and we even have an elevator. So, if this is the year for a big event for your family, the choice is not difficult. Don’t wait any longer and book your date now at the beautiful Columbian Home.
Remember that on Saturday, February 15 the beautiful Columbian Home will be having a love fest like no other. In order to join in the festivities, you first need to make a dining reservation now as the Valentine Dinner Dance usually sells out. Second, please take a bath. Third, ask the woman or man you love to accompany you to the love fest, and finally be prepared to dance the night away to the music of Charles Eckhart.
On Wednesday, February 19, Hal will be back with Trivia Night. He promises not to ask difficult questions, like “What does the Little Mermaid wear?” The answer is not an “algebra” (wait for it, Northamptonites). Or “What would a fly without wings be called?” Hint: it would not be called a walk. Come and surprise Hal with your trivia knowledge on February 19 and tell him that Joe wants to know if there is another word for synonym.
Don’t bring out your shorts and sandals just yet. Stay safe and warm and think good thoughts. June will be here before you know it. As always, you will be in my prayers.
All the best,
Joe
Joe Mascari, President