My family and I had a wonderful Christmas, and I hope you and your families did as well. Being the most senior (and most thrifty) member of my family, I thought I would give out valuable advice instead of presents this year. To my sons and sons-in-law, I explained that there are two theories about arguing with women, and neither one works. I also told them that there are three kinds of men: the kind who learns from reading, the few who learn from observation, and the rest who pee on electric fences to find out for themselves. Don’t be the third guy; it really hurts. After all that wisdom, they still wanted presents. Thank goodness I had a few rolls of nickels left over from Trick or Treat night. To my daughters and daughter-in-law, I gave the valuable story of what happened before the First Lady and I were married. The First Lady was an English teacher, and she thought we should each write a poem describing the perfect husband and wife we each desired. This would be our Christmas gift to each other. Mister Scrooge (my seasonal nickname) was pleased. The First Lady’s poem went like this:
Before I lay me down to sleep
I ask Santa for a man who isn’t cheap;
One who loves to caress my cheeks
One who thinks before he speaks
Oh, send me a man to make me a queen;
A man who loves to cook and clean.
My Poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
With big hooters who owns a bar on a golf course.
Who loves to send me out to drink at the Columbian Home
And to go to Iron Pigs baseball games.
This poem doesn’t rhyme and I’m not Robert Frost.
She married me anyway.
My daughters and daughter-in-law said my poem was disturbing and that I should be tested. They also wanted presents. So, I opened a savings account with $5.00, and told them that in one hundred years, it will be enough to renew their membership in this beautiful Columbian Home. Here’s more good advice: if you forgot to renew your membership by December 31, just go to the bar and fill out a new application so you’re all set for 2026.
OK, I might be a little thrifty, but I know a good deal when I see one. This past Sunday, I took my family to brunch at the beautiful Columbian Home. The fireplaces were lit (and so were most of my family), the Christmas decorations still up, and the bar was jumping. My family loved the different eggs benedict selections (my favorite is the Irish Benedict because it makes me want a draft of Guinness). The portions are large and the price is right. Join a cheapskate like me for brunch from 10:00 – 2:00 on Sundays and enjoy yourself.
Wednesday, January 21 is Trivia Night. Our famous Hal Fitipaldi will amaze you! One question that I must ask Hal is what did our parents do when they were bored and there was no internet? I hope Hal knows the answer because my19 brothers and sisters didn’t.
Thursday, January 8 will be a Memory Lane Dance Party with none other than DJ Wolfman Hal! Do you remember the Mashed Potato and the Bristol Stomp? Hal will be spinning tunes from Doo Wop to Disco, so make reservations and dig out your poodle skirt and blue suede shoes and get ready to cut a rug.
Music Bingo returns on Saturday, January 17. Win some prizes while you test your musical knowledge. The videos are easy to see on our huge flat screen TV and it’s always a great time.
The Columbian Home will be closed on January 1st, New Year’s Day. We will reopen for business as usual on January 2.
I hope this New Year is the best ever for you and your families. As always, I will keep you in my prayers.
All the best,
Joe
Joe Mascari, President