Our world today is so dangerous that there have been rumors about bringing back the draft for 18-year-olds. I’m over 70 and the army thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists, because you can’t join the military if you are over age 42. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to draft old guys. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think of sex every 10 seconds. Old guys think about sex once a month, leaving us more time to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep. I’m tired and hungry.” We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us take on some jackass who deserves it will make us feel better. An 18-year-old doesn’t like to get up before 10:00 AM, while old guys get up early to pee. Like I said, if I’m tired and cranky and can’t sleep, I’m may as well be on the front lines fighting some fanatical idiot. If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we can’t remember where we put them. In fact, remembering our name, rank and serial numbers would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for us because we’re used to getting yelled and screamed at. We also like guns; as hunters can attest, we’ve been using them for years to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. Also, an 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He still hasn’t figured out how to talk to pretty girls, shave, or realize that a baseball cap has a brim that’s supposed to shade his eyes, not the back of his neck. Let us old guys track down the terrorists. The last thing an enemy wants to see is a bunch of well-armed geezers with bad attitudes who know that their best years are already behind them. These are all great reasons to keep our 18-year-olds home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
One of the life lessons we could teach the younger generation (over 21, of course) is how wonderful it is to be a member of the beautiful Columbian Home. No one screams or yells at you to do push-ups and you don’t even need to remember your name, rank, or serial number – just your membership number. Applications are at the bar. Hey! How about menopausal women? Oh my goodness! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. The border will be secure forever. I have to pause now for my sensitivity lesson from the First Lady…I’m back. I’m sure I learned my lesson. If you need me, I’ll be at the beautiful Columbian Home bar talking to my good friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. Why don’t you join me?
Kathy Krom, our wonderful chef for the past 15 years is leaving us. Starting March 4, David Maiatico and Matt Linsenbigler will be taking over the kitchen. They have been in the restaurant business for many years and are eager to join the Columbian Home family. They have many exciting ideas and we look forward to experiencing their cuisine. Change is a good thing, and I remind you to please be patient during this transition period. Welcome Dave and Matt!
On Thursday, March 5, Wolfman Hal will host his Memory Lane Dance Party in the ballroom. For those of you who don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and try to get back up, join Hal on the dance floor and become a kid again.
Come on out for Music Bingo on Saturday, March 14 with Matt Barga. He will challenge your knowledge of music through the decades. I promise you’ll have a great time.
On Tuesday, March 17, the bar at the beautiful Columbian Home will offer specials that would make even St. Patrick himself say, “Sláinte!” (For those members who are not Irish, Sláinte means “Buy me a Guinness.”)
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you actually have to get dressed and leave the house. Well, on Sunday, March 22, it will be worth your while to find your favorite green outfit and join us at the beautiful Columbian Home for our annual Post-Parade Party. Irish food, Irish whisky, Irish hospitality, and Irish music will be the order of the day. We’ll have a DJ and even a visit from a Pipe Band. Come on out for a grand time.
On Saturday, March 28 the piggies will be oinking! The fabulous, one-of-a-kind Ham Raffle will be held at the beautiful Columbian Home from 2:00 – 5:00 PM. We are raffling off 20 hams and have so many additional prizes to raffle off that the Easter Bunny will be jealous. There are free beer and soda on tap during the raffle, and the kitchen will be open. Come to support our worthwhile charities and have a wonderful time while doing so.
Don’t let this winter weather get you down – spring is on the way.
As always, I keep you in my prayers.
All the best
Joe
Joe Mascari, President