Being President of the beautiful Columbian Home requires a lot of understanding of people’s temperaments. I attribute much of my insight into people’s personalities to my past dating life. When I first began dating, the world of romance hit me like a runaway freight train. Suddenly, attraction was the only thing on my mind; specifically, a girl with a killer body. (All you male members know exactly what I’m talking about, so get that surprised look off your face. Your wives also know what I mean.)
So early on, my grand goal was simple: find someone purely based on looks; a Raquel Welch type. And a couple of years later? Boom. Dream came true. She was stunning. The problem? All she wanted to do was read. She read at home. She read at the library. She even read to me because she genuinely thought I was a functioning illiterate.
I realized looks weren’t enough. I needed passion! A zest for life! So in college, I found a passionate person. Turns out, “passionate” was code for constant high drama. Every single day was an emergency. She’d yell, “Call the fire department, the house is on fire!” or “Call 911, I’m having an asthma attack!” or “Call the police, someone stole my car!” I just wanted to have one week when we didn’t involve municipal emergency services. It was exhausting.
So I swung the pendulum the other way. I decided I needed stability. Found someone who was a total rock of stability. Also? Completely predictable. I’d ask, “Hey, want to go to a Midnight Women’s Jello Wrestling Tournament tonight?” And she’d give me these responses like, “I can’t, I have to stay home and pay my bills.” Or, “I have to take care of my sick grandmother.” I mean, come on! Prioritize the fun!
Next up, I needed excitement. At 28, I found it. But I couldn’t keep up. She was doing wild, intense things. You know, hardcore stuff… like going to church every Sunday. Helping out at the soup kitchen. Buying Christmas presents for orphans. It was great at first, but I was running on fumes just watching her do all these meaningless things.
Finally, at 30, I thought I cracked the code. I found a smart, ambitious person. So we got married! And boy, was she ambitious. She was so ambitious she decided to move on and took almost everything in the split. Walked away with the house, the savings, and most of my cuff links.
So here I am. Older, wiser, and hoping to find a girl with a killer body. Note to self: Raquel Welch is dead. The First Lady reminds me of this every day.
So what have we learned from my interesting/disturbing story? Well, at the beautiful Columbian Home many members think of it as just a place to eat and drink, but it is more than that; it’s a place where members can fraternize with other members and their guests. I like to think of it as a “Cheers” kind of place where everybody knows your name. Come to the bar from 4:00-6:00 PM and take advantage of our drink specials. See for yourself all the types of personalities at the beautiful Columbian Home bar. Some members are exciting, well-educated, stable, passionate, ambitious or not. Who knows? You might meet the man of your dreams or the woman with a “killer body.” Or not. Anyway, the Columbian Home is where gentlemen behave like gentlemen and ladies act like ladies. And again, Raquel Welch is dead. Thank you for your attention.
On Saturday, November 14 between 2:00 and 5:00 PM, the beautiful Columbian Home will have its annual Turkey Raffle. It’s sure to make you gobble with delight. We will raffle off 20 Jaindl turkeys, and 3 fantastic meat trays (featuring lobster, shrimp and steak). There are more than 80 prizes so great that you’ll forget that Santa didn’t bring you that nice area rug you wanted for Christmas last year. Have no fear – a man you know and love has donated a rug so beautiful that Aladdin himself said, “Wow!” when he saw it. So come have a few drinks, buy some raffle tickets, have a nice meal and make it a great day.
On Wednesday, November 18, we will have Trivia Night hosted by the one and only (thank goodness) Hal Fitipaldi. Just for fun, ask Hal if he knows what the word Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung means and could he say it 3 times fast while drinking a delicious Columbian Home Manhattan on the rocks. (Hint for Hal – if you don’t slow down on Rt. 22, you might get one of these. It means either “speeding ticket” or “goat wife.” My German needs a lot of work, so I’m not sure myself.) Make your reservations for dinner and get a good table to have some fun playing Trivia with Hal.
Speaking of dinner, last Friday the First Lady and I were having a relaxing meal at the beautiful Columbian Home and I asked what she would do if she ever saw and endangered animal eating an endangered plant. She said, “Shut up, Joe, and eat your dinner. I’m in my Happy Place.” I guess she is still mad about the killer body story. Friday evenings are special at the beautiful Columbian Home because we love to enjoy the wonderful live music while sipping our favorite cocktails and dining on our appetizers. A different artist is featured each week; come visit on a Friday and find out for yourself.
Speaking of great food at the Columbian Home, Thanksgiving Dinner will feature two seatings: 11:00 AM -1:30 PM and 2:00PM -3:00PM. there will be a carving station for the roast turkey and baked ham with pineapple glaze. There will also be crab-topped flounder and chicken fingers and fries for children of all ages. There are too many delicious sides and salads to include here. You get all this for $29.99 per person ($10.99 for kids under 10) plus a chance to enjoy the beautiful Columbian Home and not have to do the dishes. Reserve early because this is always a popular event.
Try and get out soon to see the beauty of autumn while it lasts. It will make you happy. As always, I will keep you in my prayers.
All the best,
Joe
Joe Mascari, President